Parental Alienation

PARENTAL ALIENATION

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Parental alienation is undue influence exerted by one parent on a child that causes the child to fear or despise the other parent. Although not officially listed in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual, some experts have suggested that parental alienation can cause an actual psychological disorder called Parental Alienation Syndrome. In any event, there have been thousands of documented cases in which a parent willfully attempts to destroy the parent-child relationship, and these types of actions can have a direct impact on children’s issues in a divorce or after the divorce is finalized. The seriousness of this problem is underrated. Studies have shown that if one parent consistently denigrates the other, causing the child to shun one parent, that relationship can be permanently and irretrievably lost. The psychological harm to a child lasts even into adulthood.

If this dynamic is occurring, it is absolutely essential that you have an attorney who understands the problem and who has experience in handing parenting issues. I have studied and have had deep experience with parental alienation. I often have to educate judges and child advocates as to the signs of alienation as it can often be perceived to be the fault of the parenting who is being alienated. I am aggressive and persistent in demanding that the Court give the alienated parent uninterrupted parenting time and order the children and parents to engage in therapy designed specifically to undo the harm.

Here are some key types of parental alienation:

Relationship Disruption – A parent intentionally damaging the relationship the child has with the other parent.
Coaching – A parent telling the child what to think and how to act. This can even go as far as telling a child to lie about abuse.
Adultification – A parent inappropriately disclosing information about the other parent or about the legal case. This can seem like that parent seeking support from the child.
Interfering with Contact – A parent not allowing the other to properly have their parenting time. This is anything from picking up the child early to making excuses to cancel a visit.

A parent disrupting the child’s relationship can come in many different forms. Here is a list of some examples to further define what relationship disruption can look like:

Badmouthing the Other Parent – A parent being overly critical of the other parent. This parent tries to convince the child the other parent is dangerous, crazy, selfish, or even unworthy of the child’s love.
Undermining the Child’s Relationship – A parent subtly showing the other parent cannot be trusted. This could be them getting the child to spy on the other parent or disrespect them in small ways like having them call that parent by their first name.
Undermining the Other Parent – When one parent intentionally sets the other parent up for failure. One way this happens is by them refusing to provide information about school, medical care, or activities.
Causing Rejection – Making the child feel guilty for loving the other parent or making the child choose between parents. For example, if a parent says they won’t go to a child’s activity if the other parent is there.

Under Illinois law, one of the most important factors for the court in deciding parenting time and allocating decision-making responsibilities is whether the parent is willing and able to encourage a close and continuing relationship with the other parent. If a parent is not able to put aside his/her own animosity and keep the child’s best interest in mind, that parent will not be successful in court.

How do the courts deal with parental alienation? They first look at whether parental alienation is occurring. The court conducts its own investigation and looks at evidence brought by the accusing parent. The court’s investigation is usually done by a child advocate such as a Guardian Ad Litem (“GAL”). The GAL interviews the child and parents to try to get to the bottom of why the child is resisting spending time with or respecting one of the parents. The GAL often looks to experts like child psychologists or psychiatrists.

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Once parental alienation is established, the court can take a variety of actions to stop it from happening and to undo the harm:

Contempt – The judge can hold the alienating parent in contempt of court if they are not following the court-ordered parenting plan. This allows the judge to impose penalties such as fines or even jail time.
Modification of parenting time --The judge can change the allocation of parental responsibilities or parenting time if a judge believes the alienation is harming the child.
Reunification Therapy – Parties can be ordered to get personal therapy or family reunification therapy. In reunification therapy, counselors attempt to help both the parents and the child to bring the family back together.

Dealing with parental alienation requires knowledge and experience with this phenomenon. I have spent the past 25 years studying, writing and lecturing about parental alienation. Several years ago, I was invited to Washington D.C. for a national parenting conference and gave the keynote speech on parental alienation. For years, I have worked closely with the professionals in the area who have years of experience with alienation and can provide the specialized therapy necessary to help parents handle their children, deal with the trauma of having been alienated, and reunify families.