Helping your child through a divorce

HELPING YOUR CHILD THOUGH A DIVORCE

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Every divorce will affect the children involved — and many times the initial reaction is one of shock, sadness, frustration, anger, or worry. But children also can come out of it better able to cope with stress and become more flexible, tolerant young adults. The most important things that both parents can do to help children through this difficult time are:

Keep visible conflict, heated discussions, and legal talk away from the children.
Minimize the disruptions to children’s daily routines.
Confine negativity and blame to private therapy sessions or conversations with friends outside the home.
Keep each parent involved in the children’s lives.

Adults going through separation and divorce need support — from friends, professionals, clergy, and family. Don't seek support from your children, even if they seem to want you to.

Breaking the News

As soon as you're certain of your plans, talk to your children about your decision to live apart. Even if you are at odds with your spouse, both parents should be there for the conversation to present a united front. Keep anger and blame out of it. The discussion should fit the child's age, maturity, and temperament. But it should always include this message: What happened is between mom and dad and is not your fault. Most children will feel they're to blame even after parents have said that they're not. So, it's vital for parents to keep giving this reassurance.
Tell your children that sometimes adults change the way they love each other or can't agree on things and so they have to live apart. But remind them that children and parents are tied together for life, and they never stop loving each other. Tell the children they will never have to choose between the two of you and they will continue to have two parents.
Give children enough information to prepare them for the upcoming changes in their lives. Try to answer their questions as truthfully as possible. They may want to know where they will live or whether they will go to the same school. Remember that children don't need to know all the reasons behind a divorce (especially if it involves blaming the other parent). It's enough for them to understand what will change in their daily routine — and, just as important, what will not.

Handling Children’s Reactions

Listen to your children and encourage them to share how they feel. Tell children that you recognize and care about their feelings and reassure them that all of their upset feelings are perfectly understandable. You might say: "I know this is very upsetting for you. Can we try to think of something that would make you feel better?" or "We both love you and are sorry that we have to live apart."

Not all children react right away. Let yours know that's OK, too, and that you can talk whenever they’re ready. Some children try to please their parents by acting as if everything is fine or try to avoid any difficult feelings by denying that they feel any anger or sadness at the news. Sometimes stress comes out in other ways — at school, with friends, or in changes to their appetite, behavior, or sleep patterns.

Which Parent Pays Child Support?

Whether your children express fear, worry, or relief about your separation and divorce, they'll want to know how their own day-to-day lives might change. Be prepared to answer these and other questions:

Who will I live with?
Where will I go to school?
Will I move?
Where will each parent live?
Where will we spend holidays?
Will I still get to see my friends?
Can I still go to camp this summer?
Can I still do my favorite activities?

Being honest is not always easy when you don't have all the answers or when children are feeling scared or guilty about what's going on. But telling them what they need to know at that moment is always the right thing to do.

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Helping Children Cope

Many children - and parents - grieve the loss of the kind of family they had hoped for, and children especially miss the presence of both parents and the family life they had. That's why it’s common and very natural for some children to hold out hope that their parents will someday get back together - even after the finality of divorce has been explained to them.

Mourning the loss of a family is normal, but over time both you and your children will come to accept the new situation. So, reassure them that it’s OK to wish that mom and dad will reunite, but also explain the finality of your decisions so they do not harbor unrealistic hopes of something that will never happen.

Do not hesitate to have your children engage in therapy with a social worker, therapist, or school counselor. Sometimes children are relieved to be dealing with someone other than you or your partner. And if you choose a really good, experienced professional, they will know how to comfort your child and guide them through the process.

The Importance of Consistency

Consistency and routine can go a long way toward providing comfort and familiarity that can help your family during this major life change. When possible, minimize unpredictable schedules, transitions, or abrupt separations. Continue to attend sporting events and activities. Continue homework and other routines. Especially during a divorce, children will benefit from one-on-one time with each parent. No matter how inconvenient, try to accommodate your ex-partner as you figure out visitation schedules.

It's natural that you’ll be concerned about how a child is coping with this change. The best thing that you can do is trust your instincts and rely on what you know about your children. Do they seem to be acting differently than usual? Is a child doing things like regressing to younger behaviors, such as thumb-sucking or bedwetting? Do emotions seem to be getting in the way of everyday routines, like school and social life?

Behavioral changes are important to watch out for. Any new or changing signs of moodiness; sadness; anxiety; school problems; or difficulties with friends, appetite, and sleep can be signs of a problem.

Older children and teens may be vulnerable to risky behaviors such as alcohol and drug use, skipping school, and defiant acts. Regardless of whether such troubles are related to the divorce, they are serious problems that affect a teen's well-being and indicate the need for outside help.

Fighting in Front of the Children

Although the occasional argument between parents is expected in any family, living in a battleground of continual hostility and unresolved conflict can place a heavy burden on a child. Screaming, fighting, arguing, or violence can make children feel worried and afraid.

Parents in open conflict set a bad example for their children, who are still learning how to form their own relationships. Children whose parents express anger and hostility are much more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems that continue past childhood.

Research shows the strongest predictor of a child’s ability to adjust following a divorce is the parents’ psychological health and, in particular, how the parents cope with conflict. Not surprisingly, when parents engage in a protracted, high-conflict divorce, children experience trauma and their resiliency to life’s stressors afterward is negatively impacted.

Talking with a mediator or divorce counselor can help couples air their grievances in a way that doesn't harm their children. Though it may be difficult, working together collaboratively will spare children the hurt caused by continued bitterness and anger.